Hey everyone, Ginger here with a post on something that has been very hard for me.
Wanting a second child, and having to accept that doesn’t seem to be God’s plan for me.
This will be different from a lot of people’s struggles because I am blessed to have one amazing daughter who is my world! But it has been over three years and we have not gotten pregnant with baby number two.
April three years ago we decided to start trying for baby number two, and of course since our daughter happened with no problems we assumed that number two would as well. With our daughter we had decided that if it happened it happened and after a couple months of thinking that way, we found out I was pregnant. Sooo I figured that was how it would be this time.
But then, month after month went by and it wasn’t happening. It really started to weigh on me. I was so anxious every month to find out if I was pregnant, it was becoming very stressful! I never wanted to be in that position, I had always wanted two children and always hoped that it would just happen, because I knew it would be hard for me each month that went by with nothing.
After a year I went to the doctor and she simply said that “sometimes it takes awhile”, obviously there was no real concern since we already had one child.
Well then I got a phone call that my husband got a job promotion and we would be moving, but in the meantime he would be four hours away during the week and only home on weekends…..So then I thought: wow no wonder God didn’t have this happen! If I had gotten pregnant right when we started trying or a month after I would be home with a newborn and a toddler by myself! So then I figured it would happen after we moved.
We moved and then I no longer had the stress of wanting to be a stay at home mom because once we moved that prayer was answered, so I thought well I am sure that will help and it will happen now…..months went by and nothing.
Then we bought a house and it needed to be updated, so I was pulling staples, sanding cabinets, painting cabinets, pulling down wall paper, sweeping up sheetrock dust….and my thought was well it is a good thing I’m not pregnant or don’t have a newborn because I wouldn’t be able to help with these things.
Then we moved into our house. I thought well, it will happen now. Months went by and nothing happened. By this point I had been praying for two years for a second child and for God to help me accept His will, and my daughter had begun praying for a baby brother or sister(she told us one day she really wanted one so we suggested she pray, she prayed for one for over a year)……
You can not imagine my sadness. I was struggling internally with this more than I can put into words, and then my daughter was always asking and praying for a sibling…..it was very hard.
So in April three years after we started trying, I went back to the doctor. She informed me that her guess is that even though I ovulate every month I am not producing an egg. We could do further testing, but she was pretty confident that I could take fertility drugs and that would produce the egg. She was confident that if I took them she would be seeing me back within two months because I would be pregnant.
Well, I was shocked to realize that I didn’t immediately jump at that idea. I had wanted this for so long, but it didn’t feel right in my heart to do the futility drugs….my husband felt the same way. So we decided we wouldn’t be doing that. By this point I felt that I just really needed to accept it was not God’s plan….that is easier said than done.
There have been so many times that I thought it isn’t fair. We would love another child so much, and my daughter would be such a great big sister. I have wondered if it didn’t happen because we weren’t good parents, or because we would mess up if we had another, the negative thoughts that enter your brain are numerous. I also felt selfish, I have one child and there are others who can’t have any, so I would feel so ungrateful for what I had.
A day or so later I called my husband and said that I thought maybe we should adopt, we wanted another child and could support one, he said he had been thinking that to. So I started researching and was amazed at the cost. I couldn’t believe how much it cost!
Six days after my doctors appointment our daughter had her first seizure. Three months later she was admitted to a children’s hospital. She was there for a few days, we came home, she started having more seizures and we were back in the hospital. For the first time I found myself thanking God we didn’t have another child.
Then I really had some peace because my only thought was what if we had another and they also had epilepsy, I couldn’t imagine watching another child go through what she went through. (I know it doesn’t mean that child would be epileptic, but her doctor said he figured it was genetic, and that was a new fear) I also wondered what if I was busy with a baby and she had one and I couldn’t get straight to her.
A few months went by and she started to be . seizure free, then the thought of another started to come back into my mind. One month I was six days late and all I could think was, maybe we are pregnant. I could imagine telling my daughter she was going to be a big sister and how excited she be! I had planned so many times how I would tell her and our family and friends. I started to think about the names we like, doing a room for a boy or my daughter’s excitement if it was a girl because she wants to share a room with a sister…. Then of course we weren’t pregnant.
It was hard, the thought and dream of another child was back.
Then one day the simplest thought hit me! We didn’t need another child for our family to be complete. Once I realized this, I was finally able to start letting go of the thought. It still pops up, especially when you see babies or my daughter mentions how she wants a sibling, but it is easier to deal with, it’s easier to cope knowing that while we would love to have another, we didn’t have to.
It has been a long road, and it has been hard. But I have grown and in some ways it has helped me to really enjoy and cherish my daughter.
I have prayed so much for another child, but I recently found myself praying for forgiveness over how I let it consume me.
My advice to you is to lean on God and your husband.
Find someone you can talk to about it. I felt so alone sometimes, and I felt like those closest to me didn’t really care. My best friend would ask me about it, and talk to me. She would ask if I had been to the doctor, but there were others who knew my struggle and never asked, never so much as said they were praying for me. That hurt the most, feeling like others didn’t care about my struggle.
It hurt to find out others were talking about it behind my back, it hurt to hear that others were worried about telling me they were pregnant…..because even though I wanted anther, it never made me any less happy for someone else.
If you know someone who is struggling with this, I encourage you to ask them if they want to talk, let them know you care, let them know you are praying for them, let them know you are simply there for them.
It isn’t easy wanting a child and having to accept that isn’t the plan, but it gets easier over time. It is easier to answer my daughter’s questions of why she doesn’t have a sibling, it gets easier when people ask if you are going to have another, it gets easier to buy baby gifts for others, it gets easier to walk through the baby isle, it gets easier to see others pregnant, it does get easier.
It is not easy wanting a child and having to accept that isn’t God’s plan for you. But don’t let it consume you and be all you think about.
I hope in some way this can be helpful to you.
Until next time,